Mood: Empty
Music: Beyoncé – Best Thing You Never Had

A lot can happen during a hiatus. For example: I got my AS results, I won a place into the Fine Art Italy course(!), I dyed my hair bright pinky-purple.

Oh, and me and Ben broke up.

Or more like he broke up with me. It’s basically been the main reason why I’ve been putting off re-opening this place for about 2 months. He broke up with me on the 16th August, our 21 month mark you could say. He said it felt more like a friendship, but I’ve more or less ‘found out’ that he fell out of love with me and had doubts since the end of July time. Oh and that he had the same doubts in April time, but they ‘went away’. We went on holiday together with my family like a week before he broke up with me as well, so when we came back I felt more in love with him than ever, and he decides to break up with me. Everytime we’ve talked (he said he wanted to remain being best friends) we just argued about how the relationship ended and how pathetic his excuse was ["We can't be together because we have nothing in common" - and THAT changed his feelings completely? fuck off. I asked him to name a few bands I like and he named Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance - two bands which I haven't listened to properly since I was like 13. I'm 17 now. dfkhdaflkgjhfdRAGING].

He’s now chatting up other girls looking for a shag. Which fucking bothers me and hurts me but I can’t really complain or anything, he’s not mine anymore and so I have no control over that. OH and someone has been spreading round shit that I’ve been saying he’s a paedophile and a druggie, so now he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I find it funny, I’m not the type of person to SAY that sort of stuff so if he thinks I have been saying that, he needs to rethink how much he knows me.

But I’m in counselling through college at the moment. I’ve had about 5 or 6 sessions so far, one hour a week. I just need to let go of it. Despite everything he’s done, how much he’s hurt me, betrayed me etc, some part of me can’t grasp the fact it’s over. I think that part of me is called my heart. But it’s just telling my heart that it’s over and that it’s time to let go. I haven’t felt genuinley happy since before he broke up with me. I went to get my exam results and couldn’t be arsed to whether I failed them or passed them. I was crying my eyes out for about 4 weeks straight. I have improved, although my sleeping hasn’t improved much. I just want to be rid of this shit, lonely feeling.

My exam results btw:
Fine Art: B
Photography: A
EPQ: A
English Lang/Lit Combined: E
General Studies: D

So all in all, great. It sucks about my English, so I’m taking a resit in January sometime. My predicted results for this year (Wow, I’m in my last year of college now. Fuck. University next year!) are an A in Fine Art, C in English [depending on the resit] and an A* in Photography.

I’m so sorry for not being more communicative. I just didn’t want to open the place with a shitty layout, with shitty blogs with me moaning about how miserable I am (although I will try to avoid blogging during these moods, I can’t make any promises.) and how it sucks to be alive, etc. My next blog will be more picture-full, I’ve brought a shit load of things lately (including a sexy new lace dress and a polaroid camera!) out of impulse, I mean come on, in a situation like this it’s perfectly acceptable to be selfish.

I hope people haven’t forgotten about me. Just the idea that you’ve read this wall-of-text blog means the world to me, it helps a lot. I love you guys.

xx

Mood: Idk
Music: Snow Patrol – Crack the Shutters

This is going to be a very mixed post, but it’s going to mostly highs rather than lows, but the low part is still a bit of a kick in the balls.

I finished all of my photography work this afternoon! So I’m pretty happy right now! It’s a load off my mind, and now I have more time to focus on my English revision for my exam on the 23rd May. I also have some more time to do my Art, which has been sorted out now, and I know exactly what I need to do to make my work better. It may not get me the A I was planning on, but it’ll make my work a solid/high B, which I can’t complain about.

Talking about Art, I’ve also applied to go on an Art Course to Italy in October 2011. Only 3 students per college get in the course, and only three of us applied haha. To get a place for definate you have to go through an interview and have a strong portfolio of work, both personal (drawings you do for leisure) and work based (college work). Apparantly you have to speak a little Italian to the interviewers too, so I’m stuck on that haha. If anyone knows any simple Italian sentences, it’d be a massive help.

Now for the low part: My boyfriend Ben is going away for a month on work experience from June 1st to June 30th – he’s in South Wales in the bottom of a valley too so there will probably be no phone signal either to talk to him (that’s if he’s got a phone by then, he lost his phone at a party a few days ago. ) It’ll be the first time he’s been away for this long, he’s been away for 2 weeks at a time, but that was a few months into our relationship and I don’t think we were as close as we are now. I was talking to him about it and he said it might do us both some good to have some time physically apart from each other, it might make us less dependent on each other.

And I’ve just realised we have 3 weeks left together until he goes away. And next week is our 1year and a half mark. And I’ve lost my free condoms card. Wait, nevermind, I remembered I got a new one.

Thanks again for the comments! :3