Mood: Lonely
Music: Lana Del Rey – Video Games

1. My new purple hair and I’m wearing my new lace dress, which I really need to get a picture of sooooon. I love it so much, I feel so sexy in it. [/vain]
2 – 8. My art coursework I’ve been doing. This is more or less all of it, bar a few pages and about 3 seperate projects haha. I’ve been doing all this work to keep my mind off the break up. It works, although it only works for so long, then I get all tearful.
9. My work bench – including my huge new bag I bought for my last year at college and a filofax!
10. Photography exhibition from last night – I sold four images! Two of which weren’t by my parents. We’re starting a new photography project next week which I’m pretty excited for.
11. My portrait I’m painting in art – doesn’t look a thing like me hahaa.
12. and the best ’til last: My ‘new’ polaroid camera I have 4 packs of film for it (40 images in total) and a cute canvas bag for it.

Told you this blog was going to be very picture-ful, lol.

I’ve had an alright week. I missed my friend Adam’s 18th due to the photography exhibition, which in a way was a good thing because Ben was there. Lauren told me that she was talking to Ben and apparantly “he still cares about you, and it still hurts because you’re hurting”. She told him he was nothing special and that I could have anyone I want with the flick of an eyelid basically. ha. I guess he’s let the dust settle over the rumours. It still annoys me that he believed them anyway. I’m happy that he’s not ignoring me or something I suppose, but it keeps giving me hope that we’ll get back together (This is the heart talking. It does a lot of that. It also plans out schemes and plans years ahead at a time, like I’ll get back with Ben after uni etc..) which makes me upset. It’s difficult to explain. If I keep hoping we’ll get back together, I can’t move on – so say he gets another girlfriend, I won’t be happy for him, I’ll be more in the counting-the-paracetamols-in-the-medicine-cabinet kind of mood. I have a counselling session tomorrow, so I’ll see what she says tomorrow about the whole thing.

On Saturday I’m going to Falmouth to a University Open Day – Falmouth College of Art to be exact. It’s a good 6 hour drive away, so we’re setting off tomorrow night. I can’t wait!

edit: I got tagged by Jenn at Jennishly.me to do 25 things I love about me. I tag anyone who wants to do this!
1. How small I am.
2. I have purple hair.
3. How Arty I am.
4. The fact I’m the only one in my whole college who likes webdesign.
5. My green eyes.
6. I’m smart.
7. The fact I care way too much!
8. How organized I am.
9. How I can go through all this shit healthily.
10. My health (I feel really lucky – I live in the UK, so we have free healthcare, vaccinations, prescriptions, everything.)
11. My looks.
12. My grades in college.
13. The fact I’m sensible about money, my behaviour, etc.
14. How I waited 14 months to have sex.
15. How I’ve never been drunk enough to forget a night! Hahha!
16. My little ideas of brilliance I have every so often.

Well I only got to 16. At least I tried

Thanks for all the comments guys – I really appreciate them, they’ve cheered me up so much. *hugs* xxxxx

EDIT 22nd OCT: it’s currently 06:17am here and I’m going Italy soon see you!

Mood: Empty
Music: Beyoncé – Best Thing You Never Had

A lot can happen during a hiatus. For example: I got my AS results, I won a place into the Fine Art Italy course(!), I dyed my hair bright pinky-purple.

Oh, and me and Ben broke up.

Or more like he broke up with me. It’s basically been the main reason why I’ve been putting off re-opening this place for about 2 months. He broke up with me on the 16th August, our 21 month mark you could say. He said it felt more like a friendship, but I’ve more or less ‘found out’ that he fell out of love with me and had doubts since the end of July time. Oh and that he had the same doubts in April time, but they ‘went away’. We went on holiday together with my family like a week before he broke up with me as well, so when we came back I felt more in love with him than ever, and he decides to break up with me. Everytime we’ve talked (he said he wanted to remain being best friends) we just argued about how the relationship ended and how pathetic his excuse was ["We can't be together because we have nothing in common" - and THAT changed his feelings completely? fuck off. I asked him to name a few bands I like and he named Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance - two bands which I haven't listened to properly since I was like 13. I'm 17 now. dfkhdaflkgjhfdRAGING].

He’s now chatting up other girls looking for a shag. Which fucking bothers me and hurts me but I can’t really complain or anything, he’s not mine anymore and so I have no control over that. OH and someone has been spreading round shit that I’ve been saying he’s a paedophile and a druggie, so now he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I find it funny, I’m not the type of person to SAY that sort of stuff so if he thinks I have been saying that, he needs to rethink how much he knows me.

But I’m in counselling through college at the moment. I’ve had about 5 or 6 sessions so far, one hour a week. I just need to let go of it. Despite everything he’s done, how much he’s hurt me, betrayed me etc, some part of me can’t grasp the fact it’s over. I think that part of me is called my heart. But it’s just telling my heart that it’s over and that it’s time to let go. I haven’t felt genuinley happy since before he broke up with me. I went to get my exam results and couldn’t be arsed to whether I failed them or passed them. I was crying my eyes out for about 4 weeks straight. I have improved, although my sleeping hasn’t improved much. I just want to be rid of this shit, lonely feeling.

My exam results btw:
Fine Art: B
Photography: A
EPQ: A
English Lang/Lit Combined: E
General Studies: D

So all in all, great. It sucks about my English, so I’m taking a resit in January sometime. My predicted results for this year (Wow, I’m in my last year of college now. Fuck. University next year!) are an A in Fine Art, C in English [depending on the resit] and an A* in Photography.

I’m so sorry for not being more communicative. I just didn’t want to open the place with a shitty layout, with shitty blogs with me moaning about how miserable I am (although I will try to avoid blogging during these moods, I can’t make any promises.) and how it sucks to be alive, etc. My next blog will be more picture-full, I’ve brought a shit load of things lately (including a sexy new lace dress and a polaroid camera!) out of impulse, I mean come on, in a situation like this it’s perfectly acceptable to be selfish.

I hope people haven’t forgotten about me. Just the idea that you’ve read this wall-of-text blog means the world to me, it helps a lot. I love you guys.

xx