Mood: out of it
Music: Snow Patrol – This Isn’t Everything You Are

I’ve been meaning to blog for ages, but I’ve just had so much coursework and stuff going on that I couldn’t really find a spare minute until now.

Well, I had my blood tests and they came back fine, nothing wrong with me. Which meant it wasn’t anything biochemical which was making me feel that way, which was a relief and both a disappointment. I guess I wanted a quick fix out of all this, as selfish as it is to say that. I heard from the place they referred me to – CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service), and I had an assessment about the depression on Monday through them at their centre. We went through everything I was feeling, and Kirsteen (the person who was assessing me) said it is most likely Adjustment Disorder, which branching off it is depression, so at least we have a ‘source’ of where everything is coming from. Obviously the main factor of all of this is the break up, but I just want to get rid of feeling like crap constantly. My friends have said I’ve been seeming happier and looking healthier, despite the fact the skin around my eyes is like constantly red/purple:

It’s not the best of pictures which shows it, you can just about see it around the bottom of my right eye; I’ve no make up on in this. I’ve been booked another appointment at CAMHS next Friday to see a consultant and her about whether or not I need to go on medicine alongside the psychological therapy stuff, but she says the most he’ll say is the therapy will be enough for me. She said she thinks I’ll have about 4 sessions at CAMHS, one every fortnight, but it could be longer and hey, it could be shorter. I just really want to get better.

I’ve been motivating myself to get out the house more often too, the Friday after I had my blood tests I went out and got so drunk you wouldn’t believe. It was drum and bass/dubstep night at the place too so you could imagine how I was with my amazing dance skills! LOL. I was with all my friends, it was amazing. I was talking to a friend Laura who I haven’t seen in ages, and we’ve gotten very close. She’s been through the same thing as I’m going through with an ex, she went to CAMHS and everything, so she’s been such a help for when times have got hard. I think she’s coming out this Friday too, again we’re going to get very drunk and it’s drum and bass night again, ahaha. Unfortunately Ben is going to be there, but I won’t let it bother me. I found out a few weeks ago he has got with a girl, and shagged someone. When I found out I was at a party when he was there, so I couldn’t react too fucking badly, but broke down in tears like the day after. I’ve just been saying to myself ‘We’re never going to get back together’, so I finally get it into my head.

Jeez. I think Friday will be amazing though despite, and I’m determined to pull haha, or as my friends mum says, ‘Get a sympathy snog!’. Which I’m planing on doing, the first DnB night we went to Laura says Matt’s roommate (we went to his flat for pre drinking) liked me, so I could probably cosy up to him hahaha. [/slag]

I’ve had a lot of coursework going on at the moment. We need to be finishing the research section for Art by tomorrow and have all our ideas, testing pages, ‘mini-rough-final-thingys’, refinement from the mini-rough-final-thingys, and to actually get started on our final piece by the end of term, which is the 20th December, which is a lot of damn work. fuck my life. On top of that I have a project for photography which I need to finish, which also reminds me I need to do a shoot on the Friday evening (preferably before I’m beyond reason…). I’m back in my English lessons now, after a 4 week break from lessons. We’ve plunged straight into coursework for the course, which is a good thing because I can fully concentrate on that. So yeah, a shed load of coursework! And on top of that I have my English resit in January to revise for, and my driving theory test on the 28th to revise for too. BUSY BUSY BUSYyyy omg.

That’s about everything which has happened so far. Thanks for all you’re amazing lovely beautiful comments, they’re helping me so much, I love reading through them all. <3 xxxx

Mood: meh
Music: Profound Moments in Left 4 Dead Episode 22

This is going to be a really mixed up post.

So basically, Italy was absolutely amazing as you can probably tell from the pictures. Everything was so beautiful, even the back streets, which I’ve taken a picture of above. I’d take some pictures of my artwork I did over there but at the moment I’m currently working on getting an online portfolio up and running so you can see everything much easier then.

I’ve had a rough week. I’ve been kicked out of 70% of my English A-Level lessons because I fell out with a teacher big time… and I mean it. I couldn’t concentrate in the lesson (I’ll tell you why next) so she asked what was wrong. I, politely, told her I felt the work was being dragged out a bit and I felt it was becoming monotonous. She screamed at me, “HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MY LESSON!…” so I replied with “Alright, alright” mainly trying to get her to stop shouting at me. She carried on screaming at me, and said “NO ANNABELLE IT’S NOT ALRIGHT!” .. and at that point I snapped.
I turned around, shouted to her “WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT IT TO BE? I POLITELY SAID TO YOU WHAT WAS WRONG, I DIDN’T SAY ‘UGH YEAH THIS IS BORING’ I POLITELY GAVE YOU MY OPINION. SO WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO SAY?”.
She started crying, ran into the English office/cupboard and then everyone else in my lesson started having a go at me. I ran out, after one girl shouted after me not to go off in a huff and a puff. What the fuck should I have done? Stayed there and made it worse?! So yeah. I skipped the rest of the lesson, met up with my Sixth Form Leader and she thinks it’s best if I stay out of her lessons. Which contributes to 70% of them over a 2 week period, we have 30% of lessons with a seperate teacher.

I feel fucking awful.

What’s worse, I went to the doctor today about me possibly having depression. I talked it through with my counsellor, the school nurse, my SFL, and they all agreed it would be best to go see her. I basically broke down in the office crying, explained what’s happened during the last few months and she’s signed me up to get some blood tests done this Thursday and a follow up appointment on the 21st. I’m also being reffered to a 16 – 19 year old specialist place where they deal with that stuff almost every day, so they definately know what they’re doing. That’s why I couldn’t concentrate in lesson, the thought of me possibly having depression over everything which has happened was worrying me awfully. I feel so ashamed of myself for still being in this situation 3 months on (yes, 3. wow.) and Ben is the one who has moved on, and is getting on with the rest of his life perfectly well without me. I sometimes feel more like a burden sometimes than anything else.

Jesus. I need a hug, a cup of tea [2 sugars, plz], and a chick flick movie marathon. Preferably where the guy dies horribly. Maybe change that to a horror movie marathon, hahahaaa.

On a positive note, I went to Becci’s 18th on Saturday. Danced, drank vodka(!), and had a good time. Ben wasn’t at this one, so I think it made it easier. Woke up with a killer stomach ache the morning after, which for those who have me on facebook, you probably saw I predicted at stupid o’clock in the morning when I finally got in .

I’m applying to Universities now, too. Fuck it’s scary. Can’t believe I’m going to be 18 in less than 4 months. shiitttttt son

Question:  does anyone fancy the idea of becoming my pen friend? Just something to do over winter, or 2012.